I'm not sure what the end purpose of this is but Jesus told me to write and he would give me the words.
Relationships are hard for me. I fully believe that we are all designed for relationships and that in general those relationships take work. But recently I realised that I desire for connection to people. It's extremely easy for me to love people. But I choose not to. I don't trust that it will be received. I think I can love people without needing them to love/care for me back. But if they do say they return the sentiment I am afraid they have only said that out of obligation and then will walk away.
Connection means to be linked or associated with another person. That involves intimacy: close familiarity and trust: firm belief in the reliability of someone. These two words have been the focus points on anything and everything God has taught me in the past 2, possibly 3 years. Clearly I need to be learning something from this! These things scare me. It puts me in a place where I am out of control, vulnerable, and dependent. I don't know about you but that is a hard place to be.
I've come to this point recently that even though intimacy and trust in people but ultimately God scares the crap out of me, live without intimacy, trust, and connection is lonely and sad. I want to have God lead me to places where my trust is without borders. You would think that would involve going, doing, or activity but it does not. God asked me last Tuesday to trust him. That made me roll my eyes and kind of want to cry. What does that look like, God? I thought I was. He pointed out that I do things for him that I think he will like instead of being for him and enjoying him.
That's when I realised I needed to step out of my comfort zone (which is more like an emending dome of fear) and do something to be in closeness with God. (see how i think.."do something to be in closeness...") Well that activity of doing ended up with me sitting in his lap, being. (I did not go to heaven and actually sit on the lap of Jesus. this is a metaphor, folks.) It was beautiful. Being chosen and held in the arms of someone who knows your faults, habits, and scars is humbling. I read a verse in Zephaniah that I feel best describes a near indescribable feeling.
The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
He knows who I am. He knows that I am scare of closeness with him. He knows why. He knows I "secretly" want it but I'm lead by fear. He knows I put the nails in his son. He knows what he was risking with paying my debt. He knows that he holds the "secret" to healing my broken heart. He knows that he can't force me. He knows all of that and still choose to rejoice over me, quiet me, love me, and be happy for my successes. He showed this to me while I was sitting in the lap of his son.
Sitting in someone's lap isn't a thing you do without relationship. You have to have a pretty close and mutual friendship to "invade" someone's personal area with this action. As a children we crawled into the lap of people we trusted because we were scared, sad, hurt, or just wanted to be loved on.
Why don't we still do that?
Why don't I do that?
It doesn't really matter.
I can start again now.
I am finally ready to just be loved on from the person who chooses me and will never walk away.
This past week was laced with difficult and stressful situations, but it was defined by the comfort and unconditional love found in the lap of Jesus.
