There is nothing I hold on to.

I have reasons to not trust. Valid ones. I've been hurt, but I've let that define me instead of teach me.
My lack of trust is affecting every aspect of life. I am holding out because I feel like I've been robbed of something. I can. not. get. that. back. The things I think I "deserved" are never coming back. I need to let go and move on. My life is ultimately not about me, but Jesus. He is that Holy that my very existence is solely for HIS glory. I am thankful for that.

What to do, what to do?
Letting go is a great thought, but I still don't trust. God or people. Over and over, round and round, circle after circle, conclusion after conclusion, I still don't trust. Ugh. I think I make movements forward and then I feel like I get slammed back down with lies. Some that sound like "oh, you really want to trust her/him? are you sure that is a good idea?" "remember what happened last time, Shannon?" "Do you really think you are worth that person's time?" "Yeah, you think it's nice now…just wait till they walk away from you without looking back""you don't deserve to have people care" "you don't have valid words/emotions/thoughts no one wants to listen, shut up."
But those are lies and I want breakthrough. 


That breakthrough starts now.
I want to be whole. I want to trust. I want to live abundantly. I want to love selflessly.

How? Being thankful.

I want to tell a little story that happened while this post was being gestated.

 It starts with a book called One thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp. The author has been through countless amount of heartache including the death of her 4 year old sister. She refers to an empty, grace-less life. Until one day when she is reading in a gospel about Jesus giving thanks before he broke the bread, that stands for his body. The point that strikes her in that moment was that precious minutes before dying he gives thanks.

The point of her story that struck me was that thanksgiving always precedes the miracle. (to get more of the details you should really read the book…it's great) another point was that by thanking God for things in your life is like saying to him, "I recognise that YOU gave this to me, and I receive it!" God started stirring up this need to write down things I am thankful for because it was an act of receiving. I kept postponing it because I knew it would bring me deeper in love with Jesus, deeper into having to trust Him, and possibly a little painful.

The next day I was talking to another student to see if he had any advice on how to function and complete my studies while Jesus was wrecking my world (this is a good thing, p.s.). He told me to give in to whatever Jesus was trying to teach me. (not really all that helpful on the completing assignment front! ;) ) That was met with a sigh and slight complaint while I told him, "I am trying, but HOW?!" His response (bless his soul) was "You know what you should do? Go to your room and think about everything God has done for you…then Thank Him for those situations."
Immediately it hit me, Jesus wants me to receive the gifts he already gave me by writing them down.

That day I started a list.
It is titled "I received and I'm thankful for". Things I receive. Ah, such sweet and healing words to my dry little heart.

Then (possibly the best part of the story.) during worship I asked God to speak to me something specific. He said, "Have you realised that Salvation is a gift? If you believe in me you have received it"
*dumbfoundedlook* I thought about it and realised that my very salvation is based on receiving. God gave the gift of His Son's life FOR ME. The more I thought about this the stronger I realised…I've been striving. I strive to prove to God that I was worth a life. That I was good enough for His Son to be beaten, shamed, mocked, and killed. But truth be told, I am not "good enough". God did it in spite of my worthiness. He did it as a free gift because He loves me.

I can never repay what Jesus did for me on the cross all I can do is recognise that and RECEIVE IT.

In class a bit later I was reading in Romans 11:6 "But if it is by grace, it is not longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace." (p.s. Grace means a gift we do not deserve) and then again at the end of chapter 11 verse 35 "or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?"

(side note: I was behind in my colour coding in the book of Romans and if I had read these verses on Saturday they would not have meant anything to me, but after worship, it all made sense. God was using these verses, really the whole book to tell me "Shannon you can do nothing to prove to me that you are worth my Son's life, but I did it anyway and it was free. I love you" )


Breakthrough is happening. There is heaps of details and cool bits to the story that I could add but this post would turn into a novel…no one wants that! :)

Moral of the story: The bible is transforming my thoughts. It is a healing balm for my cracked soul.  It is showing me the breakthrough that has been here all along. It is real. It is powerful. It is mind-blowing. God is real. If you don't believe it, read the bible. He will show you things that will wreck your world! It'll be good!

Let it go, it's been long enough.

People say things and don't follow through. It happens to heaps of people. There are certain people who I expected never to do that…but they did. Why? Not because they wanted to personally hurt me, or because they were trying to be malicious, but because they are broken. Hurt. Affected by the fall. They are sinners.  Just like me. What is the cure for such a thing? Jesus Christ.

He came as fully God and fully man to walk the earth, love on people, give hope, and then died a shameful, painful, unwanted death because of my wrong doing, my pride, my hatefulness, my judgement, my wrong grudges. (your's too! :) ) Why do I get to have forgiveness from the Creator of the universe but hold a grudge against someone (or some people) who are equally as sinful as I am?
I do not. I do not get to hold a grudge. I need to forgive. 

Life is easier to live from the lap of Jesus.

I'm not sure what the end purpose of this is but Jesus told me to write and he would give me the words.

Relationships are hard for me. I fully believe that we are all designed for relationships and that in general those relationships take work. But recently I realised that I desire for connection to people. It's extremely easy for me to love people. But I choose not to. I don't trust that it will be received. I think I can love people without needing them to love/care for me back. But if they do say they return the sentiment I am afraid they have only said that out of obligation and then will walk away.

Connection means to be linked or associated with another person. That involves intimacy: close familiarity and trust: firm belief in the reliability of someone. These two words have been the focus points on anything and everything God has taught me in the past 2, possibly 3 years. Clearly I need to be learning something from this! These things scare me. It puts me in a place where I am out of control, vulnerable, and dependent. I don't know about you but that is a hard place to be.

I've come to this point recently that even though intimacy and trust in people but ultimately God scares the crap out of me, live without intimacy, trust, and connection is lonely and sad. I want to have God lead me to places where my trust is without borders. You would think that would involve going, doing, or activity but it does not. God asked me last Tuesday to trust him. That made me roll my eyes and kind of want to cry. What does that look like, God? I thought I was. He pointed out that I do things for him that I think he will like instead of being for him and enjoying him.

That's when I realised I needed to step out of my comfort zone (which is more like an emending dome of fear) and do something to be in closeness with God. (see how i think.."do something to be in closeness...") Well that activity of doing ended up with me sitting in his lap, being. (I did not go to heaven and actually sit on the lap of Jesus. this is a metaphor, folks.) It was beautiful. Being chosen and held in the arms of someone who knows your faults, habits, and scars is humbling. I read a verse in Zephaniah that I feel best describes a near indescribable feeling.
The Lord your God is in your midst,
   a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
    he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
He knows who I am. He knows that I am scare of closeness with him. He knows why. He knows I "secretly" want it but I'm lead by fear. He knows I put the nails in his son. He knows what he was risking with paying my debt. He knows that he holds the "secret" to healing my broken heart. He knows that he can't force me. He knows all of that and still choose to rejoice over me, quiet me, love me, and be happy for my successes. He showed this to me while I was sitting in the lap of his son.

Sitting in someone's lap isn't a thing you do without relationship. You have to have a pretty close and mutual friendship to "invade" someone's personal area with this action. As a children we crawled into the lap of people we trusted because we were scared, sad, hurt, or just wanted to be loved on.
Why don't we still do that?
 Why don't I do that?
It doesn't really matter.
I can start again now. 


I am finally ready to just be loved on from the person who chooses me and will never walk away.

This past week was laced with difficult and stressful situations, but it was defined by the comfort and unconditional love found in the lap of Jesus.

A season for everything.

God is stirring this uncontrollable awakening of emotions within me. I tear up when my heart is touched, I get attached, than sad when people are hurt in movies, and I'm overjoyed when people praise their children. To be honest, I'm loving it. I've hear that God is a Being of emotions for years but now, for some reason, it's all making sense. I feel closer to Him now that I have these emotions.

Maybe it's because I'm no longer rock hard on the inside. I love having to learn how to lean on Him with these emotions.

Something that I realised today: I am loved by an intimate, detailed, joyous, and kind God.

I'm a nanny to a beautiful little boy, Joshua. He has a laugh that rings joy. His hugs are innocent and genuine. His version of a good time is hanging out with me on the front porch listening to One Direction. All in all, he is perfect.

Today Joshua and I decided to play in his room with a “new” set of toys and scenery! He brought me a book (I guess I looked bored!) it was “Prayers for My Baby Boy”. I opened it and was looking through because the photography was amazing. Soon, it was more about the intimate words of a loving mother that caught my attention. The amazement, excitement, and admiration of this new mother's prayers brought me to tears. The tender way she prays for her precious newborn was mind blowing.

She describes how excited she was to design the birth announcements. How sharing him with the rest of God's creation was such a big deal to her. She tells the story of her son smiling for the first time. How the waving of hands, happiness of his feet, and the gurgling noise was everything he could do to show her how much he loved her.

My favourite “prayer” is titled “Laughter and Dancing”.

“Surely we are born for laughter and dancing. Our baby proves it to me. His laugh is among the finest and purest I have ever known. He cackles aloud at the most surprising things. A simple hello can send him into a wave of silliness and giggles. The delight of his own laughter produces jitterbug feet and cha-cha arms. Thank you that he laughs so effortlessly. May it always be so. Protect his heart and his spirit from the things that rob his joy. He is completely innocent and pure. I know that the world will come around to find him one day, but may he always remember how to laugh from his heart. I once heard a man say that he could tell a lot about people by the way they laugh. I have come to believe the great truth of his words. Real laughter-spontaneous, readily available and un manufactured- can come only from a person of peace and contentment. It comes only from a person who is looking for joy. Let him always look for joy. Let him know the good medicine of rib-splitting laughter and impromptu dancing. May he learn this fine art from his parents. Fill our home with comedy and wit, ballet and the Flat Rock Stomp, great fun and silliness. You gave us marvellous giftss when You gave us a time to laugh and a time to dance. Thank you for life's fun. Thank you for a baby who reminds us all to loosen up a little, look for joy and giggle. From our immense please, we give you praise.”

Half way through these prayers of a loving mother I realised, this is what Jesus wants desperately for me. He delights when I laugh from my heart. When I dance and sing for no real reason. He wants me to be content and at peace all the days of my life. He desires a life full of growing, maturity, protection, and joy. How many of us actually had a parent to speak such loving promises over us as infants? It doesn't matter! Jesus does!

These words are no where close to the depths of this revelation. Something about feeling emotions and getting reminded of the love my Saviour has for me is beyond satisfying. I want to have this type of love and desire to reflect Christ's image for my children, but why wait? I have so many people in my life now. Also, why wish away life? Why hold things back until I get married, or until I hold a baby of my own in my arms, or until I meet this mysterious state of “grown up”-ness? What can I do that is everything I can do to show Him how much I love him?

Keep in Touch.

I've been State side for approximately 4 months now. I was reading through my journal last week and the promises/struggles/heads up that God gave me while I was travelling back from India for Nebraska/Home were all accurate! Most of the things have happened. The things He told me I would learn in Nebraska, happened. The struggles/blessings of being home, thus far have happened. I love that our God speaks and it's truth.

A bit of an update about where I am/what I will be doing in the up coming months. I am in VA for the next 6 months. I have applied and just waiting for acceptance into a training school called: Bible School for the Nations. (**further description for Bible School for the Nations {BSN} will be at the bottom) That will take 5.5 months. In June 2014 I will be going back to Australia for 2/3 years. Until I leave in January I will be working two jobs. One is nannying an adorable little 12 month old little boy, named Joshua. The second is working at a used bookstore in our downtown area. Also I will be support raising and relationship building with local and out of state Churches. I am praying about how I can become more involved in my church. 

That pretty much sums up my life in a nut-shell. If you have questions, please ask! If you want to meet up for coffee to hear stories or see pictures, email me!!! I would LOVE to hear about your life as well!! 

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More info on BSN

holy smacks.

Home. It's hard to explain. First, where really is that so called place home? Where Jesus asks you to go, where your family is, where you have friends, the act of making people your make-shift family, a place with security, a place with peace? I'm not sure really. Being in the place I grew up, with my parents and siblings has been good. A lot of adjustment for many reasons but all in all it's good. Being around people who do the same weird things that apparently aren't "normal" is comforting. :)

Really the emotional ups and downs and curve balls are far too lengthy to go into in this small space of internet. But I do want to share about what Jesus has been teaching me in the past little bit.

Judge. What does it mean to you? Only the fancy pants men/women who wear funny wigs and declare "guilty" or "not guilty"? What high-school kids do to every moving creature? Possibly the quite thoughts in your head that may or may not come out of your mouth?

Judge: (verb) to form an opinion of, decide upon critically.

My mouth has always been a struggle. (if my parents are reading this they could probably agree...) I say things that aren't kind or without thought. I used to have a back-talking problem that got me grounded for a straight year! Since I've made following Jesus more of a priority, my heart wants to speak kind things. That doesn't always happen. I find myself naturally inclined to form opinions about others. It could be their hair, their walk, their weight, their choices. Most of the time what ever formed opinion in my head comes flowing out of my mouth. Now since I have an active relationship with Jesus I've tried to train my mouth to not spout off said opinions because it's not kind, helpful, or necessary. Again, sometimes that doesn't happen.

This past, errmmmm month I would say, I've been asking God to put a guard on my lips. (my choice, but these things always go better with His help!) Then yesterday I realised how bitter and gross my heart still is. How prone I am to say hateful things for no reason. It was discouraging.

After that, I realised that I find people extremely beautiful. Old people with wrinkles all over and look like they are going to break if you hug them too hard. Freshly born babies with gunk all over them, screaming and making really funny faces that they will regret when they are 20. Toddlers who are super chunky and independent(troublemaking) but still need to cry in their mother's laps. Teenagers who wear what they want and don't worry about the new acne that has suddenly cursed their faces because they are still naive enough to not care.

All of the previous humblejumble to say; I say judgemental things because other people are doing it.

How stupid is that? Extremely.

I was reading Matthew this morning and the first 6 verses are all about judging others. (a spiritual "spanking" if you will!) Then my friend's mom hands me the book "Jesus Calling" and todays entry is all about.....you guessed it: Judging others. In the entry it talks about the idea of Jesus being offended when we (his children) judge one another and indulge in self-hatred. That struck a cord in my tiny little heart. How many times a day do I offend the one I so badly want to serve? How many times a day do I hurt the perfect Daddy with the words I speak over his precious, beautiful children? How many times a day do I tell myself, "you aren't good enough"?

Too many.

I have no right to say things about anyone else or myself. God is the only one "qualified" to judge.

Moral of this holy smack: speak out the details of beauty I see. Tell the old woman she is beautiful. Tell the teenager that his opinion is valid. So really, the thing my mom has been saying since I could hear....: If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

awesome.

home again home again.

I am back in Australia!! I've been here for one week now and sleeping in my own bed is good, but flushing toilet paper, wearing shoes on the carpet, and not eating rice three times a day is strange. I cannot believe how much my heart loves and desires to be in a nation where life is so precious and seemingly simple.

I wish words could explain the way I feel when I am in a developing nation. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a missionary farmer. I wanted to draw water from a well, hand wash my dishes and clothes, milk cows, gather eggs, wear long skirts and have an apron. Being in nations that are not the west is the best way of fulfilling my desire for living in this type of a culture.

Things that I've experienced since I've travelled to places that have an incredible amount of beauty...children are beautiful and precious, without all the plastic, video games, and movies around. Old women are full of stories, behind every wrinkle, scar and smile there is more grace and love than you could possibly imagine. Every breathtaking view "newly discovered" from the top of a mountain or tucked away in a valley is already accredited to God's handiwork.

Over the past two years I have been blessed. Life stories that I can tell my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. I have held newly birthed babies and asked Jesus to be the Lord of their lives. I've prayed for physically hurting grandmas while holding their hands. I've laid hands on a paralysed man to speak healing into his life while he is screaming out in pain. I have built a house that will be service to many international missionaries. I have met swell people from many nations.

I'm twenty-one. I'm blessed. I'm tired. I'm in love with the Lord. I'm ready.

Trust me with carrying your Word. Send me, please Lord. I'm ready.