I have reasons to not trust. Valid ones. I've been hurt, but I've let that define me instead of teach me.
My lack of trust is affecting every aspect of life. I am holding out because I feel like I've been robbed of something. I can. not. get. that. back. The things I think I "deserved" are never coming back. I need to let go and move on. My life is ultimately not about me, but Jesus. He is that Holy that my very existence is solely for HIS glory. I am thankful for that.
What to do, what to do?
Letting go is a great thought, but I still don't trust. God or people. Over and over, round and round, circle after circle, conclusion after conclusion, I still don't trust. Ugh. I think I make movements forward and then I feel like I get slammed back down with lies. Some that sound like "oh, you really want to trust her/him? are you sure that is a good idea?" "remember what happened last time, Shannon?" "Do you really think you are worth that person's time?" "Yeah, you think it's nice now…just wait till they walk away from you without looking back""you don't deserve to have people care" "you don't have valid words/emotions/thoughts no one wants to listen, shut up."
But those are lies and I want breakthrough.
That breakthrough starts now.
I want to be whole. I want to trust. I want to live abundantly. I want to love selflessly.
How? Being thankful.
I want to tell a little story that happened while this post was being gestated.
It starts with a book called One thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp. The author has been through countless amount of heartache including the death of her 4 year old sister. She refers to an empty, grace-less life. Until one day when she is reading in a gospel about Jesus giving thanks before he broke the bread, that stands for his body. The point that strikes her in that moment was that precious minutes before dying he gives thanks.
The point of her story that struck me was that thanksgiving always precedes the miracle. (to get more of the details you should really read the book…it's great) another point was that by thanking God for things in your life is like saying to him, "I recognise that YOU gave this to me, and I receive it!" God started stirring up this need to write down things I am thankful for because it was an act of receiving. I kept postponing it because I knew it would bring me deeper in love with Jesus, deeper into having to trust Him, and possibly a little painful.
The next day I was talking to another student to see if he had any advice on how to function and complete my studies while Jesus was wrecking my world (this is a good thing, p.s.). He told me to give in to whatever Jesus was trying to teach me. (not really all that helpful on the completing assignment front! ;) ) That was met with a sigh and slight complaint while I told him, "I am trying, but HOW?!" His response (bless his soul) was "You know what you should do? Go to your room and think about everything God has done for you…then Thank Him for those situations."
Immediately it hit me, Jesus wants me to receive the gifts he already gave me by writing them down.
That day I started a list.
It is titled "I received and I'm thankful for". Things I receive. Ah, such sweet and healing words to my dry little heart.
Then (possibly the best part of the story.) during worship I asked God to speak to me something specific. He said, "Have you realised that Salvation is a gift? If you believe in me you have received it"
*dumbfoundedlook* I thought about it and realised that my very salvation is based on receiving. God gave the gift of His Son's life FOR ME. The more I thought about this the stronger I realised…I've been striving. I strive to prove to God that I was worth a life. That I was good enough for His Son to be beaten, shamed, mocked, and killed. But truth be told, I am not "good enough". God did it in spite of my worthiness. He did it as a free gift because He loves me.
I can never repay what Jesus did for me on the cross all I can do is recognise that and RECEIVE IT.
In class a bit later I was reading in Romans 11:6 "But if it is by grace, it is not longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace." (p.s. Grace means a gift we do not deserve) and then again at the end of chapter 11 verse 35 "or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?"
(side note: I was behind in my colour coding in the book of Romans and if I had read these verses on Saturday they would not have meant anything to me, but after worship, it all made sense. God was using these verses, really the whole book to tell me "Shannon you can do nothing to prove to me that you are worth my Son's life, but I did it anyway and it was free. I love you" )
Breakthrough is happening. There is heaps of details and cool bits to the story that I could add but this post would turn into a novel…no one wants that! :)
Moral of the story: The bible is transforming my thoughts. It is a healing balm for my cracked soul. It is showing me the breakthrough that has been here all along. It is real. It is powerful. It is mind-blowing. God is real. If you don't believe it, read the bible. He will show you things that will wreck your world! It'll be good!
My lack of trust is affecting every aspect of life. I am holding out because I feel like I've been robbed of something. I can. not. get. that. back. The things I think I "deserved" are never coming back. I need to let go and move on. My life is ultimately not about me, but Jesus. He is that Holy that my very existence is solely for HIS glory. I am thankful for that.
What to do, what to do?
Letting go is a great thought, but I still don't trust. God or people. Over and over, round and round, circle after circle, conclusion after conclusion, I still don't trust. Ugh. I think I make movements forward and then I feel like I get slammed back down with lies. Some that sound like "oh, you really want to trust her/him? are you sure that is a good idea?" "remember what happened last time, Shannon?" "Do you really think you are worth that person's time?" "Yeah, you think it's nice now…just wait till they walk away from you without looking back""you don't deserve to have people care" "you don't have valid words/emotions/thoughts no one wants to listen, shut up."
But those are lies and I want breakthrough.
That breakthrough starts now.
I want to be whole. I want to trust. I want to live abundantly. I want to love selflessly.
How? Being thankful.
I want to tell a little story that happened while this post was being gestated.
It starts with a book called One thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp. The author has been through countless amount of heartache including the death of her 4 year old sister. She refers to an empty, grace-less life. Until one day when she is reading in a gospel about Jesus giving thanks before he broke the bread, that stands for his body. The point that strikes her in that moment was that precious minutes before dying he gives thanks.
The point of her story that struck me was that thanksgiving always precedes the miracle. (to get more of the details you should really read the book…it's great) another point was that by thanking God for things in your life is like saying to him, "I recognise that YOU gave this to me, and I receive it!" God started stirring up this need to write down things I am thankful for because it was an act of receiving. I kept postponing it because I knew it would bring me deeper in love with Jesus, deeper into having to trust Him, and possibly a little painful.
The next day I was talking to another student to see if he had any advice on how to function and complete my studies while Jesus was wrecking my world (this is a good thing, p.s.). He told me to give in to whatever Jesus was trying to teach me. (not really all that helpful on the completing assignment front! ;) ) That was met with a sigh and slight complaint while I told him, "I am trying, but HOW?!" His response (bless his soul) was "You know what you should do? Go to your room and think about everything God has done for you…then Thank Him for those situations."
Immediately it hit me, Jesus wants me to receive the gifts he already gave me by writing them down.
That day I started a list.
It is titled "I received and I'm thankful for". Things I receive. Ah, such sweet and healing words to my dry little heart.
Then (possibly the best part of the story.) during worship I asked God to speak to me something specific. He said, "Have you realised that Salvation is a gift? If you believe in me you have received it"
*dumbfoundedlook* I thought about it and realised that my very salvation is based on receiving. God gave the gift of His Son's life FOR ME. The more I thought about this the stronger I realised…I've been striving. I strive to prove to God that I was worth a life. That I was good enough for His Son to be beaten, shamed, mocked, and killed. But truth be told, I am not "good enough". God did it in spite of my worthiness. He did it as a free gift because He loves me.
I can never repay what Jesus did for me on the cross all I can do is recognise that and RECEIVE IT.
In class a bit later I was reading in Romans 11:6 "But if it is by grace, it is not longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace." (p.s. Grace means a gift we do not deserve) and then again at the end of chapter 11 verse 35 "or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?"
(side note: I was behind in my colour coding in the book of Romans and if I had read these verses on Saturday they would not have meant anything to me, but after worship, it all made sense. God was using these verses, really the whole book to tell me "Shannon you can do nothing to prove to me that you are worth my Son's life, but I did it anyway and it was free. I love you" )
Breakthrough is happening. There is heaps of details and cool bits to the story that I could add but this post would turn into a novel…no one wants that! :)
Moral of the story: The bible is transforming my thoughts. It is a healing balm for my cracked soul. It is showing me the breakthrough that has been here all along. It is real. It is powerful. It is mind-blowing. God is real. If you don't believe it, read the bible. He will show you things that will wreck your world! It'll be good!
