Adulthood.

In the previous post I talked about finding my home in Jesus. What I mean by that is instead of a physical building with a bed, kitchen, place to hang my towel, and a mailbox associated with my name to go back to I feel rested, secure, belonging, and reassurance in His ultimate presence in my life any place in the world that I am. Nothing is bad with having a bed, kitchen, place to hang towels and mailboxes. I want that one day. But right now, I don't and I am okay with that. I am content. Which is a beautiful thing that I recommend to everyone! :) 

Coming back to Australia I feel like an adult. I can make my own choices. Eat my own food. Go to bed when I want. Hang out with who I want. And spend money the way I want. 

Earlier this year (before my birthday) I realised that I didn't want to grow up. I didn't want to have these responsibilities because responsibilities have consequences. Consequences that are sometimes good, other times they are not. But then God started to show me how much fun being an adult could be! 

It's HIM that I can make choices with, HIM that I can get advice from, HIM that I can trust will guide me to places that won't hurt me! But He knows that I need to talk things out sometimes so He ALSO gives me PEAPLE that I can trust with helping me in choices or give me advice. But He gives me the responsibility to ask for it from those people, He doesn't force me.

I like to be in control. Growing up that didn't happen! (which I'm thankful now..) I always felt like life was to big to handle and that made me mad. Now, I know life is too big for me to handle but I know that Jesus handles it. Which is so. very. very. relieving. Since I can let go of control of the huge life issues I can focus on things that ARE in my control like eating, health, budgeting, relationships, the bed that I've been given, find a church/family I can be involved with and connecting with people who support me. 

I am thankful for my life. 

I am thankful for the ministry that I doing. 

I am thankful for Australia. 

I am thankful for my family. 

I am thankful for my friends.

I am thankful for the journey God has taken me on. 

I am thankful for choices. 

I am thankful for advice. 

I am thankful for my nieces and nephews.

I am thankful for mistakes.

I am thankful for airplane food.

I am thankful for the internet.

I am thankful for emotions.

I am thankful for rain.

I am thankful for tea.

I am thankful for adulthood. 

Home is where Jesus is.

I am still in Sweden and I'm finally coming to terms with it! I've been working with a youth camp called 360. We have lectures, devotions, activities and night sessions for a week and than the students and three staff will go on a missions trip to Latvia for one week. 

At the beginning of the week we were asked to give expectations of what we wanted from God this week. I asked for a comfort in knowing HE IS HOME for me and not where I want to be! And so finally, after almost 4 months of being here I FINALLY FEEL AT HOME IN HIM. Which is BY FAR more important than feeling at home in Sweden. Although, this country (and it's people) are growing on me! :) 

Tonight I heard an amazing story. There is a Swedish man named John. Last year he went to Israel. While he was there he met some Brazilian people. After a few months of being back in Sweden the Brazilians invited John to Brazil over New Years. 

Mean while, in Brazil there is a lady named Anna. Her father was a wizard and her mother was "jewish" but apparently worshipped the devil. Anna was dedicated and trained to be a witch. One day she met a man and he asked her if she wanted to be free from her problems. (she had been getting sick, depressed and just didn't enjoy life) She said yes. He told her to go to this spa where she could get a massage and relax. When she arrived at this "spa" it turned out to be a christian camp. (haha…I'm not sure if lying is the best evangelistic approach.) Anna tried to run away three times but ended up sticking around and accepted Jesus. 

For TWO YEARS Anna attended a church trying to get freedom from the demons that had been possessing her  life up until that time. The people in the church, knowing from what kind of family she came from, didn't really accept her. But she continued to go because she was looking for the "Owner of the house" and not at the "people in the house". There were, however, a few people that believed her and would take pictures of what marks "invisible hands" would leave on Anna's legs and arms. Through that people started to believe her and accept her. 

Once Anna was free from the demons she started a prayer group in her house. She wanted to help people who had become believers from her similar "background". During one of these meetings the whole group had an open vision. (where they could all see the same thing) 

In this vision there was a mountain and a group of people were standing in a circle holding hands. Anna was holding the hand of an African woman and the hand of a French woman. Across from her on the other side of the circle was her pastor's daughter. The pastor's daughter was holding the hand of a Korean woman. They group could identify the nationality of these people because of the languages they were speaking. The recognised the sounds of them. 

Now, the second hand of the pastor's daughter was being held by a tall blonde guy speaking a "funny language". That "funny language" turned out to be Swedish!! Anna felt like God told her "pay attention to what he is saying" and she was like "God, I can't understand Swedish". But God told her again to listen to what he was saying As Anna listened she started to understand everything that this guy was saying in PORTUGUESE! He was speaking Swedish but she was understanding what he was saying in Portuguese! Then the vision ended! All the people in the room kinda looked at each other and was like "is this for real?!". 

So a few weeks after this vision Anna started to feel very ill. She went to the doctor and found out that she had a tumour in her intestine. The same type of cancer that had killed her Grandmother. She thought she was going to die from this tumour within a few months. 

A little bit after this discovery Anna received a call from a friend that didn't normally call her. When Anna answered the phone the friend said "you know that I don't normally call you, but God is 'bugging' me to tell you something and I can't sleep until I do. He wants me to show you a person. So go on Facebook and look up John Whateverhislastnameis". Anna got on Facebook and looked up this John guy. IT WAS THE SAME GUY FROM HER VISION. So Anna began to call all of the people that were in the room that night! She said that she didn't want to be "crazy" alone! And once everyone that had seen that vision saw this John guy's profile they all realised it was the same guy! 

Another few weeks later the same friend called Anna and told her that this same John guy was coming to Brazil over new years! So once again Anna called all of the people that had seen the vision and they all were blown away! At this point they didn't know what it all meant but they were still so amazed! 

Fast forward another few weeks…John is in Brazil and Anna's friend calls Anna once more and asks Anna to take John to see some sights because the friend's boss won't let her have the day off! Mean while, Anna's cancer had gotten super bad and she hadn't been feeling well for a while. But Anna agreed. The morning of the day that Anna was supposed to go with John, she felt like she had no strength and didn't think she could muster to take john anywhere. She picked up the phone to call her friend but she heard a voice that said "put the phone on the bed and you should go". Anna is a "tester" so to say and so she tried to call her friend once more! :) And AGAIN she heard a voice that said "Put, the. phone. down. you, should. go." and so she put it down and went. It took probably 2 hours to get to her friend's house to pick up John.

After that two hours they had to travel another while to get to a mountain where they were going to a specific place. (I'm not sure what it was and it's really not relevant to the story! :) ) But they ended up taking the wrong bus! So instead of getting to the top of the hill, they were at the bottom of the hill of which they had to climb! Remember that Anna is feeling beyond weak. But they climb anyway. They get to the place they were trying to go but it's closed. So Anna's brother decides that he wants to take John to the highest point of the city. So they continue to climb.

On the way up Anna still hasn't told John about the vision and stuff. Anna feels like God says "ask John if he believes in supernatural things". Anna said "no thank you I don't know this guy!" and God again tells her "ask him!" so she does! And john responds "well, yeah I do!" So Anna tells him the whole story about the vision and the Facebook stalking and everything! John's response was "we should really pray about this together".

They get to the top and John and Anna's brother start to do tourist-y things. And Anna falls to the grass because all of her strength has left her. She started to feel the life leave her body. She started to cry and talk to God. She honestly thought she was going to die atop that hill/mountain thing. Once her brother and John were done with the tourist-y thing they came back. Anna was trying to hide that she had been crying. But the guys noticed and they decided to pray for Anna. 

John asked Anna if he could pray for her in Swedish because he was more comfortable with that. She, of course, said yes. So he started to pray in SWEDISH BUT SHE UNDERSTOOD HIM IN PORTUGUESE! She thought he was pulling a joke. But she understood that he was asking for healing in her body! Then Anna's brother prayed. After they were both done Anna started to feel a warmth in her body. (it was over 30c that day so it was even warmer in her body) The she felt something like a fountain coming from her stomach through her body. And her strength began to return! She didn't get back to her house until after midnight that night! (please remember that she felt like she was going to die. just before these prayers) 

Anna, as previously stated, likes to "test" these things because it just doesn't seem real. So she started to stop taking one of the many many medications she had been taking for her cancer. With each medicine that she stopped taking she gained more strength! Pretty soon she stopped taking any of them! She went to the doctor and one said that "she has been such a good patient taking all her pills" but another recognised that only one word could describe the LACK OF CANCER THAT THEY FOUND….which was "MIRACLE". 

John invited Anna to come to Sweden for the summer and share what God has done. Anna didn't have ANY MONEY to get a passport, visa, or plane tickets because all of her money had been spent on doctor bills. But pretty soon money started coming into her bank account from believers and non believers alike! She had the EXACT AMOUNT NEEDED TO COME TO SWEDEN! 

Anna stood there tonight and said "God did all of this because he loves me. I believe that he provided all of this money for me to come to Sweden and say that God is ALIVE. He loves me. He loves you. He loves all of us. He is ALIVE AND IS WORKING! He wants people to know that he is alive and working because he loves us!"

Seriously….this BLEW MY MIND! 

After Anna shared this testimony I felt like God spoke to me clear and said "I AM faithful". 

Then he challenged me to ask him for a miracle. The deepest, most secret miracles that I long for. So I wrote them down. 

-Healing for each of my family members. Specific to the needs of that precious individual. 

-Healing for my family as a whole. 

-My eyes to be opened to my FULL IDENTITY as a child of God and the ability to have confidence in that! 

-A partner to live life with, to challenge, encourage, laugh, and bring glory to God's kingdom with. 

What is your hope? What is a miracle you want to see in your life? 

ASK HIM! 

Another HUGE thing that I learned from Anna's story is how important SURRENDER IS! During the 360 camp we talked about the concept of "surrendering all to Jesus". Some of the responses were "because He knows what is best" and "because he loves us". I realised that yes it's both of those, but also…he is giving us the opportunity to be apart of something bigger! When we surrender our lives to saying "yes" to Jesus we get to help him redeem and restore creation to the intimacy that he wanted from the beginning. And the way I see this in Anna's story is that if John had decided not to go, or if Anna decided to give up and not trust God would provide the finances I wouldn't have heard this, I wouldn't of had revelation from her story, the people in Sweden wouldn't be hearing it from her, being blessed! 

How cool is that? God WANTS US TO BE APART OF SOMETHING BIGGER. He's pretty cool.  I like him. 

Beautiful Sunflower.

I've been avoiding blogging because that means processing my emotions and sometimes I don't like what I find. What God brings up. Or honestly just because I don't think it's a "valuable" way of spending my time. But these past few months God has been challenging me on "taking a moment to remember". This post will not be a big long process of deep and beautiful jewels that God has dug out of my soul-garden. It is merely a little gem that I wrote 3 July 2013 that I recently decided to open and read.

 Jesus is so good. He is comfort to my little heart and sometimes I'm blown away with the testimony that He has given me. 

So here it is…a little insight to my life. Enjoy! :) 

I will make it.

moment by moment is the grace that i'm given. 

one step too quick and it's suffocating

one step behind and I'm wallowing

"walk next to me" a quite whisper says

"let me hold you, wipe your tears, I have them in my hand." 

When the sun comes up it's deceitfully peaceful

first few breaths are easy, then the memories come

harder and harder becomes the decision, 

shut down or feel? 

do I want others to know that my heart is cold?

do I want to live the feelings of crushing pain?

"walk next to me" a quite whisper says

"let me hold, wipe your tears, I have them in my hand."

hurt, block,break, feel, cry.

adrenaline of sharp edges slicing through my skin used to be enough

it gave me the ability to feel, at least a little

now I've experienced an even greater source of adrenaline.

something that doesn't sway with emotions.

it's ready at any moment, "yes" is all my heart has to say

"walk next to me" a quiet whisper says

"let me hold you, wipe your tears, I have them in my hand."

He will bind every hurt

He will comfort every ache

He will wipe every tear from my stained face

He will whisper, "I'm here" when I'm the last one standing

He will give hope when it's the darkest time. 

He will redeem, even when no one else wants me

He will ALWAYS love me, Shannon. 

I cannot do anything to change it.

I have to trust, let go, and allow it in.

He doesn't abandon. He doesn't forget. 

He is Hope. He is Love. He is Redemption. 

Rest, baby, rest. 

There is nothing I hold on to.

I have reasons to not trust. Valid ones. I've been hurt, but I've let that define me instead of teach me.
My lack of trust is affecting every aspect of life. I am holding out because I feel like I've been robbed of something. I can. not. get. that. back. The things I think I "deserved" are never coming back. I need to let go and move on. My life is ultimately not about me, but Jesus. He is that Holy that my very existence is solely for HIS glory. I am thankful for that.

What to do, what to do?
Letting go is a great thought, but I still don't trust. God or people. Over and over, round and round, circle after circle, conclusion after conclusion, I still don't trust. Ugh. I think I make movements forward and then I feel like I get slammed back down with lies. Some that sound like "oh, you really want to trust her/him? are you sure that is a good idea?" "remember what happened last time, Shannon?" "Do you really think you are worth that person's time?" "Yeah, you think it's nice now…just wait till they walk away from you without looking back""you don't deserve to have people care" "you don't have valid words/emotions/thoughts no one wants to listen, shut up."
But those are lies and I want breakthrough. 


That breakthrough starts now.
I want to be whole. I want to trust. I want to live abundantly. I want to love selflessly.

How? Being thankful.

I want to tell a little story that happened while this post was being gestated.

 It starts with a book called One thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp. The author has been through countless amount of heartache including the death of her 4 year old sister. She refers to an empty, grace-less life. Until one day when she is reading in a gospel about Jesus giving thanks before he broke the bread, that stands for his body. The point that strikes her in that moment was that precious minutes before dying he gives thanks.

The point of her story that struck me was that thanksgiving always precedes the miracle. (to get more of the details you should really read the book…it's great) another point was that by thanking God for things in your life is like saying to him, "I recognise that YOU gave this to me, and I receive it!" God started stirring up this need to write down things I am thankful for because it was an act of receiving. I kept postponing it because I knew it would bring me deeper in love with Jesus, deeper into having to trust Him, and possibly a little painful.

The next day I was talking to another student to see if he had any advice on how to function and complete my studies while Jesus was wrecking my world (this is a good thing, p.s.). He told me to give in to whatever Jesus was trying to teach me. (not really all that helpful on the completing assignment front! ;) ) That was met with a sigh and slight complaint while I told him, "I am trying, but HOW?!" His response (bless his soul) was "You know what you should do? Go to your room and think about everything God has done for you…then Thank Him for those situations."
Immediately it hit me, Jesus wants me to receive the gifts he already gave me by writing them down.

That day I started a list.
It is titled "I received and I'm thankful for". Things I receive. Ah, such sweet and healing words to my dry little heart.

Then (possibly the best part of the story.) during worship I asked God to speak to me something specific. He said, "Have you realised that Salvation is a gift? If you believe in me you have received it"
*dumbfoundedlook* I thought about it and realised that my very salvation is based on receiving. God gave the gift of His Son's life FOR ME. The more I thought about this the stronger I realised…I've been striving. I strive to prove to God that I was worth a life. That I was good enough for His Son to be beaten, shamed, mocked, and killed. But truth be told, I am not "good enough". God did it in spite of my worthiness. He did it as a free gift because He loves me.

I can never repay what Jesus did for me on the cross all I can do is recognise that and RECEIVE IT.

In class a bit later I was reading in Romans 11:6 "But if it is by grace, it is not longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace." (p.s. Grace means a gift we do not deserve) and then again at the end of chapter 11 verse 35 "or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?"

(side note: I was behind in my colour coding in the book of Romans and if I had read these verses on Saturday they would not have meant anything to me, but after worship, it all made sense. God was using these verses, really the whole book to tell me "Shannon you can do nothing to prove to me that you are worth my Son's life, but I did it anyway and it was free. I love you" )


Breakthrough is happening. There is heaps of details and cool bits to the story that I could add but this post would turn into a novel…no one wants that! :)

Moral of the story: The bible is transforming my thoughts. It is a healing balm for my cracked soul.  It is showing me the breakthrough that has been here all along. It is real. It is powerful. It is mind-blowing. God is real. If you don't believe it, read the bible. He will show you things that will wreck your world! It'll be good!

Let it go, it's been long enough.

People say things and don't follow through. It happens to heaps of people. There are certain people who I expected never to do that…but they did. Why? Not because they wanted to personally hurt me, or because they were trying to be malicious, but because they are broken. Hurt. Affected by the fall. They are sinners.  Just like me. What is the cure for such a thing? Jesus Christ.

He came as fully God and fully man to walk the earth, love on people, give hope, and then died a shameful, painful, unwanted death because of my wrong doing, my pride, my hatefulness, my judgement, my wrong grudges. (your's too! :) ) Why do I get to have forgiveness from the Creator of the universe but hold a grudge against someone (or some people) who are equally as sinful as I am?
I do not. I do not get to hold a grudge. I need to forgive. 

Life is easier to live from the lap of Jesus.

I'm not sure what the end purpose of this is but Jesus told me to write and he would give me the words.

Relationships are hard for me. I fully believe that we are all designed for relationships and that in general those relationships take work. But recently I realised that I desire for connection to people. It's extremely easy for me to love people. But I choose not to. I don't trust that it will be received. I think I can love people without needing them to love/care for me back. But if they do say they return the sentiment I am afraid they have only said that out of obligation and then will walk away.

Connection means to be linked or associated with another person. That involves intimacy: close familiarity and trust: firm belief in the reliability of someone. These two words have been the focus points on anything and everything God has taught me in the past 2, possibly 3 years. Clearly I need to be learning something from this! These things scare me. It puts me in a place where I am out of control, vulnerable, and dependent. I don't know about you but that is a hard place to be.

I've come to this point recently that even though intimacy and trust in people but ultimately God scares the crap out of me, live without intimacy, trust, and connection is lonely and sad. I want to have God lead me to places where my trust is without borders. You would think that would involve going, doing, or activity but it does not. God asked me last Tuesday to trust him. That made me roll my eyes and kind of want to cry. What does that look like, God? I thought I was. He pointed out that I do things for him that I think he will like instead of being for him and enjoying him.

That's when I realised I needed to step out of my comfort zone (which is more like an emending dome of fear) and do something to be in closeness with God. (see how i think.."do something to be in closeness...") Well that activity of doing ended up with me sitting in his lap, being. (I did not go to heaven and actually sit on the lap of Jesus. this is a metaphor, folks.) It was beautiful. Being chosen and held in the arms of someone who knows your faults, habits, and scars is humbling. I read a verse in Zephaniah that I feel best describes a near indescribable feeling.
The Lord your God is in your midst,
   a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
    he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
He knows who I am. He knows that I am scare of closeness with him. He knows why. He knows I "secretly" want it but I'm lead by fear. He knows I put the nails in his son. He knows what he was risking with paying my debt. He knows that he holds the "secret" to healing my broken heart. He knows that he can't force me. He knows all of that and still choose to rejoice over me, quiet me, love me, and be happy for my successes. He showed this to me while I was sitting in the lap of his son.

Sitting in someone's lap isn't a thing you do without relationship. You have to have a pretty close and mutual friendship to "invade" someone's personal area with this action. As a children we crawled into the lap of people we trusted because we were scared, sad, hurt, or just wanted to be loved on.
Why don't we still do that?
 Why don't I do that?
It doesn't really matter.
I can start again now. 


I am finally ready to just be loved on from the person who chooses me and will never walk away.

This past week was laced with difficult and stressful situations, but it was defined by the comfort and unconditional love found in the lap of Jesus.